Witchcraft

WITCHCRAFT

A weekly executive meeting takes place. All the heads of departments are there. Even the cleaning lady is there – “cleaning” the conference room so that she can eavesdrop. Bad news come up during the meeting: Ratings are at an all-time, record-breaking low! No one is really surprised, but everyone starts blaming each other. Programming blames the talent; Ad Sales blames the Research department; and in the end – they all blame Obama.

How can they get out of this rut? Ideas are desperately tossed around.

Someone suggests they make better programming. Everyone agrees. Except Weinstein. He doesn’t think producing better programming is the problem. They need something more. A hook of some sort. Something that will guarantee success. In order to turn things around, Weinstein guarantees everyone that “money is no object (unless the object is too expensive)”.

Ideas start flowing. Shark attacks, cop killings and sex tapes are among the suggestions of the things people want to watch. How about a combination of all of them?

Frustration and fights breakout within the group. No one agrees with the ideas being presented. Per the advice of the cleaning lady, they call Lalo Caverga – the Network’s spiritual advisor. They call him in to do a spiritual cleansing, aka a limpia, of the conference room. His job is to remove negative energy – and in the process he wets people with strange mists and even spits on some of them as part of his awkward ritual.

Someone jokingly suggest that Lalo should cast a spell to make their ratings better. Immediate silence fills the room – as Weinstein takes the joke as a serious suggestion. Not only is that a great idea, but what if they use witchcraft to bring down their rivals Univision and Telemundo?

The plan is set in motion right away.

Weinstein gives Lalo a big budget to get the things he may need to cast a spell on Univision. Lalo orders 30 live chickens, an array of weird herbs and spices, several Starbucks gift cards, a few pieces of Ikea furniture – bunk beds, a bathroom mirror and some shower curtains to be exact – a couple of roundtrip airline tickets to Fiji, including hotel, rental car and a city tour. He explains all these items are part of the ritual.

After the materials arrive at the network, they need volunteers to go physically cast the spell. They need to go to the Univision and Telemundo offices and be a part of the ritual. No one wants to go. Weinstein decides to volunteer himself and forces a couple of other employees to come along.

Against the advice of pretty much everyone, they take off one night to perform the ritual. Outside the Univision office they chant and do weird dances, they burn things and spray mysterious liquids all over. They’re having a great time – until police shows up.

Cut to Weinstein, Lalo and the others getting booked in jail. The network’s attorney, Facundo Malverde, bails them out.

As part of Weinstein’s plea deal, he agrees to publicly apologize to his rivals live on TV.

But… did the spell work? Based on the high ratings the live apology got, the spell was a success!